Pinned toot

After Ratatouille was released in theaters, it became law in 38 states that all traps must have tiny propane grills and spice racks placed next to them so as to distract/spare any rats with any cooking aptitude. It’s referred to as “Remy’s Law” in most places and was the direct outcome of an organized, nationwide letter writing campaign.

Pinned toot

Stop eating what you're eating and throw it out the window right now! It'll be fun!

:sponsored: Sponsored by raccoons

Programming a computer 

Just realized my least favorite thing with programming C++ over the years wouldn't be fixed with "coding guidelines" so much as "personality trait guidelines."

Hell is other C++ programmers.

Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice. This is a Euro-style bistro/bakery lounge experience. Save it for the Tex-mex fusion fast casual place you clearly frequent.

CW Food 

The crab-o-hydrant, an efficient new way to force feed people seafood

The US Park Service is selling naming rights to make up for Covid-related revenue slump and from now on Old Faithful will now be known as Doritos Bold Flavorful

I’m sorry for talking about Linux 

It only took three tries and about 6 months but I finally feel comfortable using sway (i3wm).

In retrospect this was not a skill worth wasting my time on.

Anyone else remember the one hit wonder artist Pico-Pico Lemonade with their single “¡Tengo Piss!”?

The King of Town in the streets, Senor Cardgage in the sheets

I’m the Costco hot dog of my group of friends.

I will not be taking questions at this time.

Every once in a while there's a piece of technology so obnoxious that I involuntarily mutter "fuck you" the first time I see it. Examples: selfie sticks, airpods.

The Rashomon Effect is a phenomenon in which all the participants and observers of an event are actually in a boring old Japanese movie

*coming to a screeching stop in front of your house in a Civic Del Sol, Britney Spears blasting on the radio*

Hey any of you guys wanna watch me speedrun Ducktales on the NES?

One of the better video game ideas I've had in a while 

FTL meets Stargate.

Assemble away teams, send via gate to new planets, assuage locals and destroy enemy aliens, find new systems to jump to.

This is a bad pun I thought up in the shower this morning. I would punch me in the face if I said it to myself out loud. 

Till.I.Am this soil and using Fergielizer to grow a crop of Black Eyed Peas

Puns I thought of at the zoo 

Rough Giraffe
My only Egret
Kudus to You

My name is Gordon K. Shump and what you’re looking at is the newly renovated, fully accessible entrance to my Fuck Zoo

guns 

Got involved in a domestic dispute shooting today on accident and I was more mad than anything but I checked out of work just in case of PTSD and took a bus ride across town and when I turned the phone back on had a pile of texts from dad and mom like “this is why you’re bad, this is why your family is abandoning you” and that helped me immeasurably

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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