Pinned toot

After Ratatouille was released in theaters, it became law in 38 states that all traps must have tiny propane grills and spice racks placed next to them so as to distract/spare any rats with any cooking aptitude. It’s referred to as “Remy’s Law” in most places and was the direct outcome of an organized, nationwide letter writing campaign.

Pinned toot

Stop eating what you're eating and throw it out the window right now! It'll be fun!

:sponsored: Sponsored by raccoons

This is a bad pun I thought up in the shower this morning. I would punch me in the face if I said it to myself out loud. 

Till.I.Am this soil and using Fergielizer to grow a crop of Black Eyed Peas

Puns I thought of at the zoo 

Rough Giraffe
My only Egret
Kudus to You

My name is Gordon K. Shump and what you’re looking at is the newly renovated, fully accessible entrance to my Fuck Zoo

guns 

Got involved in a domestic dispute shooting today on accident and I was more mad than anything but I checked out of work just in case of PTSD and took a bus ride across town and when I turned the phone back on had a pile of texts from dad and mom like “this is why you’re bad, this is why your family is abandoning you” and that helped me immeasurably

M:tG shitposting 

Hell yes I play Magic. I’ve got cards banned from tournament play. I’ve got cards that were never allowed for tournament play. I’ve got cards that are considered forbidden knowledge and banned from our very plane of existence.

I’m going to play a 4 card infinite life loop and bump you up to 8000000 life. You’re gonna watch me do each step to creep it up one by one. Then I’m gonna hit you with an infinite damage loop for 8000021 damage.

You will see the mouth of madness.

Cryptidcurrency
Crisiscurrency
Cirrhocurrency
Cumulocurrency
Champiocurrency
Characturrency
Chiptocurrency
Tiptoecurrency
Cthonocurrency
Chillocurrency
Fliptocurrency
Connecticurrency
Chubbocurrency
Hypnocurrency
Charcuterurrency
South Dakoturrency
Tryptocurrency
Charbroilcurrency
Crunchocurrency
Concretocurrency

Did you know you can just type into this box and strangers have to read it? It's probably not a good idea to let me type into this make angry strangers box!

Linux 

I'm a joy to work with and a consummate professional in my commit messages

I need to buy all the jeggings to make prototype jean jegging jorts

(jean jean jegging jorts [jean jean jean jegging jean shorts (jean jean jean jean legging jean jean short jeans)])

Show thread

Here’s a tip Big Fire doesn’t want you to know: if there’s a fire in your house, bring a branch or other long, flammable item and set it alight with the flame inside and then take it outside. The rest of the fire will follow it out and boom, no more house fire!

I don't know if it's the fact that it's "blockchain" based, the prevalence of banned YouTubers, cryptocurrency bros, and NoFappers on it or their incompetently served email campaigns but I can't help but think Odysee is a giant clown car of weird libertarians who are (thankfully) left to their own devices far away from polite society.

Yes, smooth jazz musician Yanni lives in a castle full of tricks, traps and riddles, each one more fiendish than the last. Choose correctly and you shall share his fortune. Choose incorrectly and it could cost you your LIFE!

Show thread

If you lived through the ska revival of the late 90s you gain a certain sense of perspective and aren't fazed by _any_ other revival.

Sousa Marching Band explosion on everyone's Spotify? Yes.

Jamming out to some square dancing? Ok!

Hybrid smooth jazz/rap? Bring it on, Yanni needs those dollars for his murder castle.

Yeah no we liked people jumping and playing the trombone and asking to pick things up off the ground; the garbage music you're "bringing back" is already sounding pretty good.

Show more
Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!